Hello strangers….

I bet you thought I was gone for good. Actually, I bet you totally forgot this blog even existed… if there are any of “you” out there reading this. The truth is… I pretty much forgot about it, myself. I have a tendency to let blogs fall by the wayside, and I’m not going to make excuses or apologize or try to rationalize it. I’m just going to jump back in and do my best to keep my thoughts flowing, because writing something is better than writing nothing. And scolding myself for not writing more often accomplishes nothing aside from making me feel bad. I’m trying to break free of negative feedback loops in my head, so here I am!

The good news is that I have not gained any weight since my last check in. The bad news is that I have not lost any, either. It’s pretty much status quo for me over here. My blood sugar is a little wonkier than usual, mostly because I keep slipping on the sugar front. At least I know my weaknesses, so I can work on them. I have found that I tend to sabotage myself a lot though. Sometimes it feels like I’m doing it on purpose. Like there are two opposing forces in my head, the proverbial angel/devil on my shoulder. Except I feel like I have no control over what choice is made. It feels like I want the bad side to win, because whatever it is I’m craving sounds really good. I end up punching the good guy in the face which essentially means I’m punching myself in the face.

I have realized this is a form of self harm. There, I said it. I hurt myself. I don’t cut or take pills or purge my food… but I do eat things I shouldn’t and then constantly shame myself for having no willpower. I am truly my own worst enemy. I also find that when I am doing good about something… I shouldn’t bring too much attention to it. So my posts may not always be light and fluffy and full of good news. Mostly I want to keep myself inspired — but saying “I ate really well all week!” tends to be bad for me. As soon as the words leave my mouth, I start craving something that I’ve been avoiding. It’s like I have no control over it, but again, since I’m able to recognize that as a weakness, I can work on it. I realize most of what happens in my head doesn’t make sense, but if I want to live a better life I need to start making sense of it and making better choices for myself — and my husband. We’re both so sick to death of being fat and having so much pain all the time.

So… onto the path of a healthy life. My husband has a new job which he loves, and we’re generally pretty happy these days… the only dark cloud looming over us is our health, and it’s time for us to realize how important that really is to enjoying life overall. We vowed to love each other forever, so we should do our best to┬ámake our forever last as long as possible.

Forever

Our matching tattoos — the Japanese Kanji character “ei” which means “forever”

 

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