My mom is awesome! And other musings….

Well, hello there… it seems as though it’s been ages since I’ve written anything here. And ages is WAY too long to wait between posts.

I’ve found myself overly depressed, down-trodden, emo, and full of self pity and loathing. And you know what? I’m sick of it. Absolutely sick to death of feeling miserable, helpless and hopeless. But there is no magical cure, no mystery fix, or any kind of lottery I can win that will make all of my problems go away. First and foremost, I have to make a commitment to myself.

I find that committing to myself is extremely hard to do. It shouldn’t be so hard! But, because I feel it is selfish, or foolish, I have a hard time making my own health a priority in my life. In fact, my priorities have been all jacked up for about as long as I can remember. It’s time for a regime change in the brain of Meg. It’s time to slay the demons, to build up the walls and stand my ground, to remake my body as a fortress and let nothing break down the walls to the new me that is waiting to rule. That’s easy to say, it’s not as easy to do. No matter what choices I make, somebody will think they are wrong. No matter how hard I try, somebody will think it is not enough. But what does that matter? It is only me that I need to be accountable to/for.  Accountability to myself is more important than anything else I can think of.

So let’s back up a little bit — yesterday was Mother’s Day — and my mom is awesome. I went to see her yesterday, and helped her set up My Fitness Pal (and add me as a friend) and she is enjoying testing it out and scanning in items to keep track of her meals. In the process of setting up her account for her, I learned that she has lost 14 pounds since she started tracking her food and learned that she has stage 3 kidney disease. She has lost 14 pounds, and she is more sedentary than I am! I cannot even begin to say how awesome that is, and how awesome she is. She is a fighter, she is strong and determined, and she is the kindest person I know, and truly the best role model.

My mom is the most generous and deserving person I know, and because of this, I have set up a project to raise money to help her have a therapy pool installed in her home. Please consider donating to help mom get the pool installed. She has no knees left, and so aqua therapy is the only thing she can do to lose weight. She can’t get new knees without losing weight — and she also needs to lose as much as possible to avoid further kidney damage. Even a SMALL donation is super helpful and appreciated!

While we may have had our share of eating an entire bin of ice cream while watching soap operas, I know that we are both strong and we can both overcome the health problems we’ve been ignoring for so long. We CAN work together, and we will do our best to get to a better place. My mom is awesome! And because she is my mom, that means I am awesome too. I have re-dedicated myself to logging my food on MyFitnessPal (my name on there is megasus for anybody who would like to add me!) and my mom is my inspiration. If she can lose weight, I know I can too.

What this means is I will be back to posting here. Even if it’s just a quick post to check in. Even if it’s only once a week to say hello. Even if it’s to come and complain about my weak will and messing up. I have to be accountable to myself. I have to dedicate myself to doing better, and following through with my goals. If I can’t see myself through the small victories, I’ll never win the battle. And the battle we’re working for is a new me! A fabulous me! A me that is healthy and happy and looking forward to every new day.

I feel often as though I know nothing about life. I’m awkward, when I try to do makeup it looks silly, when I try to do yard work I wonder why it’s so hard, when I try to do housework I get overwhelmed with the level of disorder in my home. The only way for me to learn the things I need to know in order to succeed in life, is to keep trying. Fall on my face a few times. Screw things up if I have to, as long as I’m trying. I need a schedule, a pattern, something to follow to keep me in line. I’m not good at controlling myself. I feel like I missed the part of life where people learn to take care of everything they need to take care of in an average life — house work, yard work, shopping, diet, exercise, socializing…. everything in my life feels broken. But I can only fix one thing at a time. It feels like the biggest thing I need to fix is my attitude, and my disposition. So, I’ll just keep plodding away at this until I become a better me.

Me & Jinxy

Hope to see you all along the way…. 🙂

 

 

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