Hello strangers….

I bet you thought I was gone for good. Actually, I bet you totally forgot this blog even existed… if there are any of “you” out there reading this. The truth is… I pretty much forgot about it, myself. I have a tendency to let blogs fall by the wayside, and I’m not going to make excuses or apologize or try to rationalize it. I’m just going to jump back in and do my best to keep my thoughts flowing, because writing something is better than writing nothing. And scolding myself for not writing more often accomplishes nothing aside from making me feel bad. I’m trying to break free of negative feedback loops in my head, so here I am!

The good news is that I have not gained any weight since my last check in. The bad news is that I have not lost any, either. It’s pretty much status quo for me over here. My blood sugar is a little wonkier than usual, mostly because I keep slipping on the sugar front. At least I know my weaknesses, so I can work on them. I have found that I tend to sabotage myself a lot though. Sometimes it feels like I’m doing it on purpose. Like there are two opposing forces in my head, the proverbial angel/devil on my shoulder. Except I feel like I have no control over what choice is made. It feels like I want the bad side to win, because whatever it is I’m craving sounds really good. I end up punching the good guy in the face which essentially means I’m punching myself in the face.

I have realized this is a form of self harm. There, I said it. I hurt myself. I don’t cut or take pills or purge my food… but I do eat things I shouldn’t and then constantly shame myself for having no willpower. I am truly my own worst enemy. I also find that when I am doing good about something… I shouldn’t bring too much attention to it. So my posts may not always be light and fluffy and full of good news. Mostly I want to keep myself inspired — but saying “I ate really well all week!” tends to be bad for me. As soon as the words leave my mouth, I start craving something that I’ve been avoiding. It’s like I have no control over it, but again, since I’m able to recognize that as a weakness, I can work on it. I realize most of what happens in my head doesn’t make sense, but if I want to live a better life I need to start making sense of it and making better choices for myself — and my husband. We’re both so sick to death of being fat and having so much pain all the time.

So… onto the path of a healthy life. My husband has a new job which he loves, and we’re generally pretty happy these days… the only dark cloud looming over us is our health, and it’s time for us to realize how important that really is to enjoying life overall. We vowed to love each other forever, so we should do our best to make our forever last as long as possible.

Forever

Our matching tattoos — the Japanese Kanji character “ei” which means “forever”

 

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I’m beautiful

Yesterday was the first day I felt “pretty” in a very long time. The suggestion of feeling pretty to me, always felt like a weird dance — the perception of beauty and perception of myself, always swirling around one another but never combining. Regardless of how I feel about myself, my appearance does not change. Or does it? I’ve discovered that the happier I feel, the more I notice myself looking “pretty” in the mirror. When I’m not worrying, being anxious or nervous, being in pain and/or anti-social, I forget that life seems a lot… lighter, fluffier, easier. Floating around on clouds is a hell of a lot easier than trudging through the mud. I’ve always had a misconception that having ones’ head in the clouds was a bad thing. I remember connecting with Sebastian in Neverending Story –what was so wrong with daydreaming and finding yourself in a mystical, mythical, fantastical world? I remember the range of emotions that movie made me feel — why was he being told to keep his feet on the ground? Dreamers make bad situations look better all the time. And what could be wrong with making the best of what we have? Or, when what we have is true crap, creating new and better realities?

Thinking of looking in the mirror and seeing beauty never really occurred. I’d seen beauty in so many other things, but the things I found beautiful about them were not qualities I could see in myself, and thus did not feel I possessed. So what if I could imagine beauty in a different way? What if I could just see past what others might consider flaws, and see the beauty in my soul as it shines through me?

This is where “feeling better” really begins to affect “looking better” — because I have felt active and productive and found comfort in a routine that most people are already accustomed to, I have put more time into how I present myself to the world. And when I present something that looks so different, I forget for awhile that I’m seeing the same person that has always been there. But because my frame of mine has changed, so have my habits, and so has my perception of beauty.

I can’t say I’m fully “there” yet — there are always days when I will feel ugly, where I may look in the mirror and wonder why I bothered getting out of bed. But the days that breathe new life into my lungs and hope into my heart always remind me that there’s nothing I can’t overcome, if I learn to be more resilient. If I can bounce back from sadness, fear, uncertainty… if I can find comfort in the small things… if I can see tomorrow as another day to change my life instead of just another day to suffer through, life becomes a little easier to process and enjoy.

It’s been a productive weekend of cleaning — I put on a pretty face, and a pretty outfit yesterday, just to go window-shopping. I could have easily worn sloppy clothes and left my hair in a scrunchie like I do many times when I leave the house. But I decided to make myself look the way I was feeling — hopeful, cheerful and alive.

It’s good progress. 🙂

 

Makeup AND Jewelry? Wut?!

Makeup AND Jewelry? Wut?!

 

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My mom is awesome! And other musings….

Well, hello there… it seems as though it’s been ages since I’ve written anything here. And ages is WAY too long to wait between posts.

I’ve found myself overly depressed, down-trodden, emo, and full of self pity and loathing. And you know what? I’m sick of it. Absolutely sick to death of feeling miserable, helpless and hopeless. But there is no magical cure, no mystery fix, or any kind of lottery I can win that will make all of my problems go away. First and foremost, I have to make a commitment to myself.

I find that committing to myself is extremely hard to do. It shouldn’t be so hard! But, because I feel it is selfish, or foolish, I have a hard time making my own health a priority in my life. In fact, my priorities have been all jacked up for about as long as I can remember. It’s time for a regime change in the brain of Meg. It’s time to slay the demons, to build up the walls and stand my ground, to remake my body as a fortress and let nothing break down the walls to the new me that is waiting to rule. That’s easy to say, it’s not as easy to do. No matter what choices I make, somebody will think they are wrong. No matter how hard I try, somebody will think it is not enough. But what does that matter? It is only me that I need to be accountable to/for.  Accountability to myself is more important than anything else I can think of.

So let’s back up a little bit — yesterday was Mother’s Day — and my mom is awesome. I went to see her yesterday, and helped her set up My Fitness Pal (and add me as a friend) and she is enjoying testing it out and scanning in items to keep track of her meals. In the process of setting up her account for her, I learned that she has lost 14 pounds since she started tracking her food and learned that she has stage 3 kidney disease. She has lost 14 pounds, and she is more sedentary than I am! I cannot even begin to say how awesome that is, and how awesome she is. She is a fighter, she is strong and determined, and she is the kindest person I know, and truly the best role model.

My mom is the most generous and deserving person I know, and because of this, I have set up a project to raise money to help her have a therapy pool installed in her home. Please consider donating to help mom get the pool installed. She has no knees left, and so aqua therapy is the only thing she can do to lose weight. She can’t get new knees without losing weight — and she also needs to lose as much as possible to avoid further kidney damage. Even a SMALL donation is super helpful and appreciated!

While we may have had our share of eating an entire bin of ice cream while watching soap operas, I know that we are both strong and we can both overcome the health problems we’ve been ignoring for so long. We CAN work together, and we will do our best to get to a better place. My mom is awesome! And because she is my mom, that means I am awesome too. I have re-dedicated myself to logging my food on MyFitnessPal (my name on there is megasus for anybody who would like to add me!) and my mom is my inspiration. If she can lose weight, I know I can too.

What this means is I will be back to posting here. Even if it’s just a quick post to check in. Even if it’s only once a week to say hello. Even if it’s to come and complain about my weak will and messing up. I have to be accountable to myself. I have to dedicate myself to doing better, and following through with my goals. If I can’t see myself through the small victories, I’ll never win the battle. And the battle we’re working for is a new me! A fabulous me! A me that is healthy and happy and looking forward to every new day.

I feel often as though I know nothing about life. I’m awkward, when I try to do makeup it looks silly, when I try to do yard work I wonder why it’s so hard, when I try to do housework I get overwhelmed with the level of disorder in my home. The only way for me to learn the things I need to know in order to succeed in life, is to keep trying. Fall on my face a few times. Screw things up if I have to, as long as I’m trying. I need a schedule, a pattern, something to follow to keep me in line. I’m not good at controlling myself. I feel like I missed the part of life where people learn to take care of everything they need to take care of in an average life — house work, yard work, shopping, diet, exercise, socializing…. everything in my life feels broken. But I can only fix one thing at a time. It feels like the biggest thing I need to fix is my attitude, and my disposition. So, I’ll just keep plodding away at this until I become a better me.

Me & Jinxy

Hope to see you all along the way…. 🙂

 

 

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